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“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for ME.”
aja535s Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
Similar Quotes. About: Food quotes, Funny quotes, Comedy quotes, silly quotes.
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“Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.”
Str4wb3rry Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".'”
chrisleeindy Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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