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“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero?”
MrFrostie Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load his shit into a truck.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
Similar Quotes. About: Friends quotes, Comedy quotes, Laziness quotes.
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“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
Similar Quotes. About: Food quotes, Comedy quotes.
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“You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Arguments quotes, Comedy quotes, Relationships quotes.
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“I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? Then he said How many of you feel like animals? And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
Similar Quotes. About: New York quotes.
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“I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
Similar Quotes. About: Girlfriends quotes.
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