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“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
About: Food quotes, Comedy quotes.
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“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable...”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at...”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
Similar Quotes. About: Food quotes, Funny quotes, Comedy quotes, silly quotes.
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“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”
Str4wb3rry Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Comedy quotes.
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“I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide...”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Racing quotes.
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“I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.”
Str4wb3rry Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".'”
chrisleeindy Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
Similar Quotes. About: Food quotes, Funny quotes, Bureaucracy quotes.
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