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“Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for ME.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Arguments quotes, Comedy quotes, Relationships quotes.

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“I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable...”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Comedy quotes.

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“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

Similar Quotes. About: Food quotes, Comedy quotes.

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“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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