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“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? Then he said How many of you feel like animals? And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

Similar Quotes. About: New York quotes.

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“I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load his shit into a truck.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

Similar Quotes. About: Friends quotes, Comedy quotes, Laziness quotes.

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“If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, Screw that, I'll just make a copy.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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