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“I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

About: Funny quotes, Arguments quotes, Comedy quotes, Relationships quotes.

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“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at...”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Comedy quotes.

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“You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero?”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".'”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

Similar Quotes. About: Food quotes, Funny quotes, Bureaucracy quotes.

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“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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