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“It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide...”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".'”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

Similar Quotes. About: Food quotes, Funny quotes, Bureaucracy quotes.

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“I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load his shit into a truck.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

Similar Quotes. About: Friends quotes, Comedy quotes, Laziness quotes.

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“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for ME.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Comedy quotes.

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