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“Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.”

Dave Barry quotes (American Writer and Humorist best known for his weekly newspaper column. b.1947)

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“Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.”

Dave Barry quotes (American Writer and Humorist best known for his weekly newspaper column. b.1947)

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“I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.”

Dave Barry quotes (American Writer and Humorist best known for his weekly newspaper column. b.1947)

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“Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.”

Dave Barry quotes (American Writer and Humorist best known for his weekly newspaper column. b.1947)

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“This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat content.”

Dave Barry quotes (American Writer and Humorist best known for his weekly newspaper column. b.1947)

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“Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.”

Dave Barry quotes (American Writer and Humorist best known for his weekly newspaper column. b.1947)

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“Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.”

Dave Barry quotes (American Writer and Humorist best known for his weekly newspaper column. b.1947)

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“The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.”

Dave Barry quotes (American Writer and Humorist best known for his weekly newspaper column. b.1947)

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“If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most people would: nuclear war, global warming and Windows.”

Dave Barry quotes (American Writer and Humorist best known for his weekly newspaper column. b.1947)

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“Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.”

Dave Barry quotes (American Writer and Humorist best known for his weekly newspaper column. b.1947)

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“Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.”

Dave Barry quotes (American Writer and Humorist best known for his weekly newspaper column. b.1947)

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