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Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.
”
Mitch Hedberg quotes
(
American
Comedian
,
1968
-
2005
)
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“
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for ME.
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aja535s
Mitch Hedberg quotes
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“
I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? Then he said How many of you feel like animals? And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.
”
Mitch Hedberg quotes
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1968
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“
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
”
Mitch Hedberg quotes
(
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1968
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“
On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at...
”
Mitch Hedberg quotes
(
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Comedian
,
1968
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“
My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.
”
Mitch Hedberg quotes
(
American
Comedian
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1968
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“
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero?
”
MrFrostie
Mitch Hedberg quotes
(
American
Comedian
,
1968
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2005
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“
My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.
”
Mitch Hedberg quotes
(
American
Comedian
,
1968
-
2005
)
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“
I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.
”
Mitch Hedberg quotes
(
American
Comedian
,
1968
-
2005
)
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“
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work.'
”
Mitch Hedberg quotes
(
American
Comedian
,
1968
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2005
)
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“
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
”
Mitch Hedberg quotes
(
American
Comedian
,
1968
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2005
)
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