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“Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well, that's a fresher....I'm going on break.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

Similar Quotes. About: Work quotes, Laziness quotes, Comedy quotes.

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“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide...”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Racing quotes.

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