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“I am a world-class weenie when it comes to letting people stick needles into me. My subconscious mind firmly believes that if God had wanted us to have direct access to our bloodstreams, He would have equipped our skin with small, clearly marked doors.”

Dave Barry quotes (American Writer and Humorist best known for his weekly newspaper column. b.1947)

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“Remember in elementary school you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file from smallest to tallest? What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?”

Warren Hutcherson quotes

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“Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high up on the food chain as we think”

Tom Wilson quotes (American actor, writer and comedian)

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“I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up”

Dave Barry quotes (American Writer and Humorist best known for his weekly newspaper column. b.1947)

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“Admit it, sport-utility-vehicle owners! It's shaped a little differently, but it's a station wagon! And you do not drive it across rivers! You drive it across the Wal-Mart parking lot!”

Dave Barry quotes (American Writer and Humorist best known for his weekly newspaper column. b.1947)

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“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”

Dave Barry quotes (American Writer and Humorist best known for his weekly newspaper column. b.1947)

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“The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.”

Dave Barry quotes (American Writer and Humorist best known for his weekly newspaper column. b.1947)

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“If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.”

Dave Barry quotes (American Writer and Humorist best known for his weekly newspaper column. b.1947)

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“Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.”

Dave Barry quotes (American Writer and Humorist best known for his weekly newspaper column. b.1947)

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“Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.”

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“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”

Emo Philips quotes

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